What to buy a Jew for Xmas

Despite the fact that Jews don't celebrate Xmas (though many of them, at least from my mother's sort of Jew do have Chaunaka bushes in lieu of Xmas trees), today I discovered the perfect gift to give ANY Jew, at basically any time:

A copy of the Diary of Anne Frank.

This is more then just irony, this is pure genius.  I mean, it's a chance to look at your Jewy friends and go, "Hey, I know I'm not a Nazi, but I'm sorry about that whole thing where that genocide happened, so Merry Xmas, even though you don't celebrate Xmas, also I speak in incredibly long sentences because I'm talking really fast because I'm nervous that if you're offended by this gift I will never be able to get a loan again."

I'm thinking I'm going to approach a large retailer with this idea.  Maybe we can put together a package deal of The Diary of Anne Frank, a gold felt Star of David to stick on your coat, and like a free ham.

A joke

Today as I was driving Captain Strange to pick up his car from the mechanical place we saw a man with a terrible looking mustache.  Captain Strange said it was a porno mustache, and I disagreed and said it was a pedo mustache.  Captain Stange then came up with this joke:

What's the difference between a porno mustache and a pedo mustache?



...you don't get pubic hair in a pedo mustache.

Voltaire's Vagina (and other, less disturbing, but still sage, thoughts)

So, while I was at work selling books today someone was looking for a copy of Candide by Voltaire.  The word Candide is terribly close to the fungus Candida which is responsible for Thrush and some vaginal yeast infections.

So, after my mind had processed all of this absurd information, I was presented with a mental image of Voltaire's vagina (I am sure this was helped along by the fact that I could see the basket of porno mags under the counter with Playboy sitting on top).  Now, as you probably know, Voltaire was a man.  So, perhaps he had a mangina instead of a vagina, though I have never been given a satisfactory explanation of what a mangina is, nor has it ever been confirmed for me that maginas are prone to yeast infections.

So, while we are on the subject (we're not) lets talk about Ghengis Khan.  He is pretty much the most awesome man ever, unless you're Chinese.  I think the Chinese are still pissed that he raped their army without trying and took over their country.  Actually, I think that was one of his sons, but they're all Khans, so it was one of the Khans.

Ghengis Khan had an amazing amount of sex (hopefully not with manginas whether infected by yeast or not), and there are quite a few people that are his direct descendants.  He was the ultimate in polygamy, only it was less polygamy then it was rape, which is sort of sad.  Hopefully someone gave him herpes...or maybe not, because then lots more people would have gotten herpes, which would only be okay if it was Rene Descartes.  I mean, I can't even be mad at the Pope anymore since he change his stance on condoms.

The reason we're talking about Ghengis Khan today is mostly because he's pretty awesome, and also because is an excellent role model for any would-be world conquerers.  Seriously, he and his sons conquered most of Eurasia.  I'm look at you, corpse of the USSR, and you Kim-Jong Il.  Yep, he was an uncultured horse fucker with a raging boner for anything with a vagina, but he managed to do more then you have ever done.

So, the morals of today's lesson are:

1) never touch a mangina if it is yeasty (unless it has a pleasant freshly-baked-bread smell)

2) even great philosophers have body image problems

3) Ghengis Khan was a pro-lifer (and a pro-boner)

4) everyone who has attempted to conquer the world since the Golden Horde swept across Eurasia has been doing it wrong

5) herpes is bad.

How to make Xmas better

First off, I'm calling it Xmas this year after a friend told me about his experience at work after he had listed something in the computer system as "Xmas Decor" because he only had 10 characters.

The jackass who discoverd this was all, "Woah dude, you can't take the Christ out of Christmas."  Ginger-Friend was all, "Dude, I don't have room for Christmas, gtfo my atheism."

I'm sure it when something like that, anyway.

So, back to how I, as the premier expert on improving basically anything, would make Xmas better.

First off, I think we need to make Xmas songs more honest about their subject matter.  The ones that talk about Mary giving birth are always all, "Lol, baby fell outta my vagina, and it didn't hurt!"  Did any of these composers ever see a woman give birth?  I mean, I don't have a vagina, but having it ripped open, even by Jesus, has to hurt like hell.

Another song that really needs to be revised is, "What Child is This?"  Especially since everyone knows, supposedly.  I'm rewriting the song to "Whos Bastard is This?"  God was all like, "Hey, Imma knock that bitch up with my celestial penis and then make her take care of my kid!"  And people wonder why this happens in High Schools so often.  Look at their role model!  God is a dick, AND a bad parent.

Next up, I think we need to reinstate virgin sacrifices just like the Aztecs used to do on the Winter Solstice.  The real trick to this one will be finding virgins.  I'm pretty sure they exist, in the same way I'm pretty sure that unicorns that fart rainbows and write song for P-Diddy exist.

We also need to admit that the vast majority of Xmas symbols are actually Pagan symbols that have nothing to do with Jesus.  The tree?  Totally Norse.  The Yule Log?  Another Norsism.  The Easter Bunny?  Norse (also, he and Santa are the same person...a pedophile with a penchant for camoflauge).  So, basically, you're all Pagans, AND YOU LIKE IT.

And last, but most importantly, Abortion Clinics need to start offering gift cards for the Holidays.  I can picture them...it's like a card tied to a wire hanger.  It's just beautiful.

And that, children, is how to make Xmas better.  Just imagine, I haven't even TOUCHED Chaunukka or Kwanza yet.  And by touched I mean talked about, not touched in that icky EasterBunny/SantaClause camo-pedophile way.  Eww.

Why I want to be a Chinese Waitress

So, I love Chinese Food.  It may well be the most perfect thing in the world after Captain Strange, Coffee, Red Wine, and drunken late night runs to Denny's that you only sort of remember the next day...mostly because your hand still smells like the waitress's cleavage.

But, my love of Chinese Food has nothing to do with my I want to be a Chinese Waitress.

Mostly, I want to be a Chinese Waitress because they can get away with almost anything and people find it CHARMING.  Okay, most people.  Captain Strange was all sad-mad panda because he got whatever dish the kitchen decided to make him at my favorite greasy Chinese place.  I think it's awesome when they do that.  I just order the same thing every time and I get whatever they feel like giving me.  I love not having to decide.

 Being a Chinese Waitress is sort of like being a weatherman, really.  You rarely have to get things right.  Only, maybe it's better because you can just basically throw food on the table and walk away and people think it's fun and you don't have to dress like a douche.

I think for some people having a bitchy Chinese Waitress is sort of a cultural interaction.  They get to go, "OMG! We had Chinese food and a foreigner was rude to us.  I feel so cultured."  Or whatever it is that people who masturbate to pictures of Glenn Beck and/or Sarah Palin say.

Talking about going on a journey with cancer?

Whenever I hear people talk about cancer I am inevitably confused.  They want to talk about their "Journey" with cancer. 

I guess what people are really talking about is how having cancer has affected them for the last 1-15 billion years.  But, this is what I see when someone talks about their Journey with Cancer:

All trips are inevitably road trips (unless someone is a pioneer with cancer in which case it's a horse drawn cart trip with cancer).

Just remember, if you're going on a trip with cancer they're usually really messy car guests.

4 things that would be hilarious if the Dalai Lama did them

So, I love irony.  Which is slightly concerning since hipsters also love irony, and if I love something that hipsters love, and I moving down the slippery slope of becoming one of them?  This is a terrifying thought.  But then, I am not sure if a platypus is capable of becoming a hipster, which does make me feel marginally better.  Perhaps I need to have a poll about this.

But, anyway, the Dalai Lama is pretty much considered the most laid back bellybutton contemplater in the world.  He's also all into that whole "peace and love to everyone, dawgs."  And, he's pretty much the only person I believe when he says that.  But, part of that may be because I am attracted to his robe, and I want to turn it into the most epic drapes possible (sort of a backwards Gone With the Wind thing).

So, I was thinking that there have to be some things that would make the Dalai Lama more epic and somehow give him more street cred.  He's not Che Guevera after all, so he could definitely use more T-shirts with his face on them.  Fuck, that was a hipster sort of thing to say, wasn't it?

So, without further ado here are the top five things that the Dalai Lama could do to become a more epic mofo:

1 - Have a reality T.V. show featuring Sarah Palin.

I really want to see how long it would take Mr. Lama to strangle that bitch.  Of course, it's possible he'd ENJOY going wolf hunting in a helicopter.

2 - Leak a sex tape.

I'm not 100% sure who he'd be having sex with.  Maybe Lady Gaga, or the Queen.  Either way it would be more difficult to watch then Two Girls One Cup.

3 - Go to Rehab.

I could totally see His Holiness fucked up on heroin or something else that just mellows you out.  I'm pretty sure Amy Winehouse would sing to him, too.  Which would be really awesome.

4 - Release a rap album entitled  "Imma slap China like I slap a bitch."

Snoop Dog would be all over this like R-Kelly's pee on that hooker.  I would be happy to help him write the album too.  The Dalai Lama could become the most famous Tibetan Rapper in the world.

I just remembered that I can never tell the difference between "raper" and "rapper" but they're not so different that I'm concerned about it.

Fridge Gnomes

A few months ago Captain Strange was on a business trip and I agreed to hang around his house and watch the doggy girls for the three days he was out of town, which, considering how much time I spend there anyway wasn't much of a routine change, except I had to regularly feed the girls and let them know the Apocalypse wasn't coming in the next 72 hours (though, I wasn't sure about that myself). 

The day before he left Captain Strange decided to buy a couple of pizzas for dinner.  This is when I discovered (through inference - in the same way people discovered atoms) that there are gnomes that live in the fridge.  Fridge Gnomes (as opposed to Garden Gnomes who hate puppies and want rainbows to die) are master culinarians and have magical powers to transform food.

There is an obvious hierarchy of foods that Fridge Gnomes like to work with.  Pizza and Chinese food (the worse it is for you the more they like to magic it up) are on top of the pyramid, while pasta, fresh salads, and cooked spinach are on the squishy, rotten bottom.

This is how I imagine Pizza is transformed by the Fridge Gnome's magic:

The Gnome assesses the Pizza and must decide that it is a high enough quality pie to qualify for his magic.

The Gnome then blasts the pizza with his blue power ray of awesome.

At this point awesome left overs are created after the Gnome has used his holy powers to cleanse the pizza of all evil.