How not to be trapped in a mine

With all the recent stuff about the Chilean Miners getting trapped in a mine, I figured I ought to give people advice on how not to be trapped in mines.  It seems like these should all be pretty obvious, but I guess most people just don't get it.

First off, just don't go in the mine.  I don't care if it's how you feed your family.  It will teach your children self respect or something. Also, if you're feeding them things that you find in mines you're probably destroying their teeth.  Rocks = not good for teeth.

Next up is probably the coolest mining accessory, the Giant Mutant Badger.  Just like with Giant Mutant Pandas it is best to grow these near a nuclear powerplant for optimum awesome.  These things will dig you the fuck out of that mine.  You know how Jesus supposedly rode a donkey into Jerusalem?  It was actually a Giant Mutant Badger.  That's how he got out of the tomb after the whole resurrection thing, his badger moved the fucking stone.

And lastly, the easiest way to not get trapped in a mine is to summon Captain Planet.

I hope the Chilean government reads this and learns from it.  Please pass this along to any officials you know in Chile.

Vulcan Foreplay

After watching the newest Star Trek movie last week (or was it the week before that?  Maybe Cap Strange remembers?) there seemed to be somethng mssng (also, the letter between h and j on my keyboard just went out, so bare wth me) along the lnes of a dscusson of how lttle Vulcans were made.

Why Dinosaurs should be allowed to run for President

Living in Utah sometimes means seeing strange things.  Polygamists, homeless people singing songs about the Mormon Temple on public transportation, families with 9 children who all have gigantic teeth, and prostitutes walking around downtown Salt Lake City that look like someone hit them in the face with a baseball bat and then tried to fix it with a rake.

Lately, though, I've been seeing signs for a Proposition in Utah that has something to do with funding a dinosaur museum.  Being the avid follower of awesome that I am, I immediately thought that it was actually a proposition that would either 1) legalize gay marriage for dinosaurs or 2) allow dinosaurs to run for president (despite what you may think neither John McCain nor Ronald Regan were dinosaurs, they were both mammals).

This got me thinking about WHY dinosaurs would be awesome in public office, specifically why they would be awesome as the President of the United States of America.

There is, obviously, only one dinosaur that is awesome enough to run for public office, and that is the T-Rex.  The Triceratops is like the Eeyore of the dinosaurs (sort of like John Kerry). A brontosaurus wouldn't fit in the Oval Office.  And pretty much every other dinosaur just isn't as fierce.

Now, onto the reasons we need to work on getting a dinosaur elected as president:

1) Peace talks would be more likely to end agreeably because T-Rex President would threaten to eat other politicians who don't toe the line.

2) If dinosaurs can run for public office there is no reason they can't serve in the army, making the army really awesome.

3) Congress would be scared to pass legislation that T-Rex President didn't like.

4) Dinosaurs are okay with abortions because they could eat them (coming up soon is "Why Abortions are Delicious").

5) Dinosaurs are much harder to assassinate then human presidents.

Happy National Coming Out Day!!!

Things not to use as condoms

The Pope is an asshole.  And, as has been mentioned many times in the past looks a lot like Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars, which as a Star Wars fan I am morally required to hate.  I'm pretty sure he's gay too, which is why he protects all those icky boy-touchers that are part of his church.

The Pope also doesn't believe in condoms.  The Pope wants people in Africa to get AIDS.  I am convinced of this since he keeps telling people that GLOVE BEFORE LOVE is wrong.  Fuck you Pope, fuck you with an AIDS/herpes infected cock.

Since I am more important then the Pope and I'm attempting to make a worldwide following that would make the Catholic Church look tiny, I would like to talk to you about things that are good to use as condoms* and we will talk about things that should never be used as condoms because that's just as important to remember.

Good things to use:

The Pope's Hat

a swim cap

Bad things to use:

A Paper Bag

A Glass Jar

 A Sheep

A Pencil Sharpener

A Cheese Grater

Crown of Thorns

Next time you go to have sex, please keep these important things in mind!

*Because they are funny, not people they will protect you from AIDS. PLEASE always use good condoms that are all approved and whatnot to protect you from AIDS and other STDs.  The only person who should probably have AIDS is The Pope since he contributes to lots of people's AIDS.

Why Automatic Flushing Toilets = The End of Civilization

There is nothing more insulting to human intelligence then FOX News, except perhaps the automatic flushing toilet.  It is one of the basic requirements of humanity (or at least it used to be) that we have to deal with our own shit. Seriously, it stinks.

When we were hunter-gatherers and you had to walk away and bury your shit in a hole you dug with your hands you sort of had to confront the basics of life (you also had to shoot dear with arrows to eat and fight hyenas so they wouldn't eat your newborn, which I think would keep Americans from becoming so fat if we reinstated these basic rules).  And seriously, if your shit stank people fucking TOLD YOU about it.  If it was really bad and they never wanted to smell it again they would probably stab you through the chest with a rock and go to a different camp.

But, I don't think most of us really connect with Hunter Gatherers that much (I do, but that's because Anthropologists are required to pledge allegience to the hunter gatherers of the universe in a super secret ceremony in order to get their degrees), so lets take a more modern example of someone who was capable of doing great things because she had to flush her own shit down the toilet.

Let's go back in time a few years to the time before there were flushing toilets and visit Mother Teresa as she finishes up her *ahem* morning business.

You see, the ability to flush the toilet instills man with a sense of purpose and a certain level of confidence that is otherwise lacking.  If chimps could be taught to flush the toilet then I believe in a few short years they too would be working out the atomic structure of mayo.

Let me show you what I mean about how automatic flushing toilets make people stupider:

To conclude - I believe that it is vitally important that the U.N. ban automatic flushing toilets from the world.  Without manual flushing toilets incompetent people may begin to think they are capable of running for political office, producing movies, and singing on stage.  This could bring about the end of civilization.  It has already begun!  Save the world!

This is the natural order:

Wouldn't the world be better my way?

Four Worst Types of Cuddlers

It has been noted on multiple occasions that I am an expert cuddler.  I did nothing to learn this skill, it comes partially from my silky fur and mostly from my amazing amounts of charm (and ability to hypnotize people to thinking I know what I am doing at almost any time).

That said, I have been inappropriately cuddled on multiple occasion.  I have identified the Four WORST cuddling problems that have effected me through my cuddling career.  These are severe problems that sound not go unchecked either through the application of severe electroshock therapy, full body antiperspirant, the blood of virgin wallabies, or sacrificing things to Cthulu.

Example of correct cuddling, notice that both parties are COMPLETELY CONTENT:

The next up is the OCTOPUS PLUS (A.K.A COCKTOPUS), someone who seemingly has 80 limbs with which to smother their cuddling partner with. It is usually impossible to breathe, move, or otherwise perform any function other than plotting revenge through severe electroshock therapy or spiking the OCTOPUS PLUS's drink with a roofie so that they fall asleep on the floor instead of in your bed.:

After the OCTOPUS PLUS comes the Porcupine, a man who decided to shave his entire body approximately three days before the onset of the current cuddling session.  DO NOT EVER let the porcupine be the Little Spoon.  If you are a man you will get rug burn on your scrotum, seriously, if you are a women your soft and supple breasts will slowly be ground away into mounds of not pretty flesh.  The best way to cure the porcupine is to NOT let your man shave his entire body.  It is recommended that one develops an appreciation of the male body in its most natural form.

The Sweater is a problem because it is like attempting to cuddle with a Slip n' Slide that mated with a Dolphin (they are very slippery) whose child takes lots of ecstasy. I recommend lots of towels and full body antiperspirant.

The most pentially damaging type of cuddler is the Tourette's Syndrome Sufferer.  I have nothing against people with Tourette's syndrome, and I fully understand that those afflicted are unable to control their outbursts, but if you happen to be a cuddle partner with someone with Tourette's Syndrome who happens to throw his head back I recommend a helmet along the lines of NFL regulation.

Cuddling is one of the most important parts of keeping your relationship functional, couples who are unable to cuddle have been known to become highly deranged attempting to abuse drugs like Vitamin C and Facebook*.


*Facebook and other social networking sites have been shown to release oxytocin, one of the chemicals that is released in the brain when in skin contact with other people.