That said, I have been inappropriately cuddled on multiple occasion. I have identified the Four WORST cuddling problems that have effected me through my cuddling career. These are severe problems that sound not go unchecked either through the application of severe electroshock therapy, full body antiperspirant, the blood of virgin wallabies, or sacrificing things to Cthulu.
Example of correct cuddling, notice that both parties are COMPLETELY CONTENT:
The next up is the OCTOPUS PLUS (A.K.A COCKTOPUS), someone who seemingly has 80 limbs with which to smother their cuddling partner with. It is usually impossible to breathe, move, or otherwise perform any function other than plotting revenge through severe electroshock therapy or spiking the OCTOPUS PLUS's drink with a roofie so that they fall asleep on the floor instead of in your bed.:
After the OCTOPUS PLUS comes the Porcupine, a man who decided to shave his entire body approximately three days before the onset of the current cuddling session. DO NOT EVER let the porcupine be the Little Spoon. If you are a man you will get rug burn on your scrotum, seriously, if you are a women your soft and supple breasts will slowly be ground away into mounds of not pretty flesh. The best way to cure the porcupine is to NOT let your man shave his entire body. It is recommended that one develops an appreciation of the male body in its most natural form.
The Sweater is a problem because it is like attempting to cuddle with a Slip n' Slide that mated with a Dolphin (they are very slippery) whose child takes lots of ecstasy. I recommend lots of towels and full body antiperspirant.
The most pentially damaging type of cuddler is the Tourette's Syndrome Sufferer. I have nothing against people with Tourette's syndrome, and I fully understand that those afflicted are unable to control their outbursts, but if you happen to be a cuddle partner with someone with Tourette's Syndrome who happens to throw his head back I recommend a helmet along the lines of NFL regulation.
Cuddling is one of the most important parts of keeping your relationship functional, couples who are unable to cuddle have been known to become highly deranged attempting to abuse drugs like Vitamin C and Facebook*.
*Facebook and other social networking sites have been shown to release oxytocin, one of the chemicals that is released in the brain when in skin contact with other people.
