Why Automatic Flushing Toilets = The End of Civilization

There is nothing more insulting to human intelligence then FOX News, except perhaps the automatic flushing toilet.  It is one of the basic requirements of humanity (or at least it used to be) that we have to deal with our own shit. Seriously, it stinks.

When we were hunter-gatherers and you had to walk away and bury your shit in a hole you dug with your hands you sort of had to confront the basics of life (you also had to shoot dear with arrows to eat and fight hyenas so they wouldn't eat your newborn, which I think would keep Americans from becoming so fat if we reinstated these basic rules).  And seriously, if your shit stank people fucking TOLD YOU about it.  If it was really bad and they never wanted to smell it again they would probably stab you through the chest with a rock and go to a different camp.

But, I don't think most of us really connect with Hunter Gatherers that much (I do, but that's because Anthropologists are required to pledge allegience to the hunter gatherers of the universe in a super secret ceremony in order to get their degrees), so lets take a more modern example of someone who was capable of doing great things because she had to flush her own shit down the toilet.

Let's go back in time a few years to the time before there were flushing toilets and visit Mother Teresa as she finishes up her *ahem* morning business.

You see, the ability to flush the toilet instills man with a sense of purpose and a certain level of confidence that is otherwise lacking.  If chimps could be taught to flush the toilet then I believe in a few short years they too would be working out the atomic structure of mayo.

Let me show you what I mean about how automatic flushing toilets make people stupider:

To conclude - I believe that it is vitally important that the U.N. ban automatic flushing toilets from the world.  Without manual flushing toilets incompetent people may begin to think they are capable of running for political office, producing movies, and singing on stage.  This could bring about the end of civilization.  It has already begun!  Save the world!

This is the natural order:

Wouldn't the world be better my way?