Chimps and Lady Diana

Some Chimps just want to be human:

Note: Okay, I actually think Lady Diana was a cool chick, but CHIMPS DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER.

Follow, follow me!

Make sure that if you like me, you follow me and share me with all of your friends!  Every follower I have multiplies my awesome EVEN MORE.

How T-Rex Jesus Failed

It's very clear that T-Rex Jesus is the Superior Savior.  His arms are too short for you to crucify him (unlike human Jesus) he doesn't cast people out of the temple, he fucking eats them like Doritos (also unlike human Jesus).

But, T-Rex Jesus failed at one thing, warning all the other dinosaurs that there was a meteor on the way.  If T-Rex Jesus had actually been the son of God (in this case it wasn't Yahweh, it was a big squiggly fish monster in space that actively discouraged it's followers to touch underage dinosaurs), he might have been able to save the other dinosaurs.  Instead T-Rex Jesus actually had a form of schizophrenia that caused him to imagine that he was someone millions of years in the future who was actually imagining that he was T-Rex Jesus.

Yes, the dinosaurs had NASA.

He thought about wearing a fez instead, but they hadn't been invented yet.

Jesus stands up to the cross...

LOL! Mass Extinction!

Note: I have to thank my brother, the illustrious George Yancey (also: Captain Awesome if you talk to the right people, not to be confused with Captain Strange who is the man who puts up with my relationship fail skills) for originally coming up with T-Rex Jesus.  He told me about it ages ago.

Important Facts About Norman the Platypus

First off, I have bigger balls then you.  Even if you have big balls.  My balls amount to about half the mass of the Earth.  I once broke someone's entire house when I took my pants off.  I have to hide my balls in a dimensional portal to keep from scaring you puny non-platypus types.  I once had a request from a death row inmate who want to die by being crushed by my testicles*, and I only had to use one of them to flatten him into a large pile of goo.

Second, in addition to being 100% platypus I am also 50% gorilla.  This makes me 150% of a person, but I'm still 1000% more awesome then the most awesome person you know or can think of below is a mathematical equation showing my awesomeness in comparison to lots of things:

Rene Descartes < Your Mom < Ghandi < Nicola Tesla < Cthulu < Me

Part of my awesome comes from my abnormally large testicles, but it also comes from my thoughts about pandas, T-Rex Jesus, Cthulu, and MaryAnne from Gilligan's Island.

Third, I have venom in my heel spurs.  Seriously, I could fuck up your dog (even though I like dogs and would never fuck one up, more likely I would fuck up your mountain lion if you had one.  Seriously, though, if you let me come over and pet your, presumably, tame mountain lion I promise not to fuck it up unless it tries to bite me).

Fourth, my grammar and punctuation are so terrible that aardvarks could shit on my laptop and achieve a higher level of accuracy then I am capable of.  Luckily (unfortunately?) there are no aardvarks in the area to shit on my laptop and fix my mistakes.

Fifth, I am so much more narcissistic than you are.

To conclude, who has a tame mountain lion?

*I have retired from working on death row, which is why this is no longer an option.  Sorry, but I have better things to do with my testicles.

Cthulu is better then your Mom

I know you love your Mom (hopefully not in an Oedipus Rex sort of way, unless you do, in which case you're a sick fuck and your Mom should've had a wire-hanger-fishing-abortion), but, seriously, Cthulu is better then your Mom.  Look at him, he is a bad ass motherfucker:

I know, I know, you might even have children, but Cthulu is still cooler then you.  It's like comparing Nicola Tesla (an infinite fount of cool) to Rene Descartes (the infinite fount of uncool).  There is no comparison.  Even if you have the greatest Mom in the world Cthulu could eat her, and you, and your entire extended family, and your pet dog, lizard, and tarantula.  Hopefully the tarantula first since spiders are icky.

1) Your Mom doesn't have tentacles, or evil powers (okay, maybe she does), or webbed hands

2) Cthulu doesn't hate your significant other just because they married you.  Cthulu hates you and your significant other equally and will kill you for being puny and mortal regardless.

3) Cthulu won't get mad at you for the things you post on Facebook

4) Cthulu will never guilt trip you for your 10 (or 15, 20, 80 bajillion) hour birth.  Since he didn't give birth to you and all.  That and Cthulu doesn't believe in guilt.  He believes in consuming the world with his elder god powers.

5) Cthulu probably didn't make you gay.

Every time you think "You know, I love my Mom and appreciate everything she's ever done for me." Maybe you should remember that she is not as cool as Dread Cthulu and you ought to pay proper homage by sacrificing* animals/your mom/your virginity to His Tentacled Godliness.

*Sacrificing anything mentioned here may be illegal, check with your local police department for more information on what live sacrifices are allowed in your area.  Never attempt a sacrifice without Elder God supervision.

My Internet Connection

My my internet connection is like a drunk armless hooker attempting to pole dance.  Seriously, it goes down at least once a day for absolutely no reason, and has done so for ages.  Sometimes I go into total withdraw when this happens and I pee myself in fear that I don't have the internet and thus don't know what is going on in the world.

I think they have support groups for this, but I don't know if I need a support group.  I mean, crying in the corner of my room wearing a tiara and telling myself "You're a pretty princess and everything will be okay" is totally normal.  I mean, at least it is for me having this shitty internet connection.

Now, I have nothing against drunk armless hookers pole dancing.  I think it's pretty damn funny.  Actually, I find the idea of armless hookers pretty funny all on its own.  I find it so funny I think there should be more of them (I'm not sure there are actually any of them, though).

This is probably coming off as misogynist.  It's not intended that way, I would also be perfectly happy watching drunk, armless MAN hookers pole dancing.  Or pretty much any combination of man/woman/other that you can think of.  It has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with funny (I hope) and being wildly and totally inappropriate.

You see the reason I am Norman the Platypus (instead of actually being human) is because as a Platypus I can say pretty much anything I want.  Give a man a mask and he'll tell you the truth, give a man a Platypus and he'll squeal like a little girl in absolute happiness every morning for the rest of his life.

Being a Platypus has other perks as well, I can always excuse my bad grammar, spelling, and punctuation on the fact that I have fucking FLIPPERS instead of hands.  I think it's pretty damn impressive that I can type with flippers + beak.

So, mostly I would like to think if Oscar Wilde were alive he would totally be my homeboy, and I would probably dress like a Victorian Gentleman but with bow ties instead of whatever else they wore around their necks.

Happy Autumnal Solstice everyone!

Since it actually makes 1,000 times more sense to celebrate Solar events rather then strangely random holidays based on ancient cultural quirks, today I am celebrating the Autumnal Solstice.  Mostly I'm going to celebrate it by doing everything I normally do.  Have a picture.

Wait, I just realized the Equator in this picture is way too high...I blame global warming.

Blaaaaaaarg!

Please note: I am occaionally retarded.

I had the site listed as platpusatwar.blogspot.com when in fact I meant it to say platYpusatwar.blogspot.com

*sigh*

Panda in Horse Race

Pandas are without a doubt the second coolest animal in the world.  Platypi are (obviously) the coolest animal in the world.  One of the reasons that Pandas are so awesome is that if you're a small enough person you could RIDE A PANDA.  You wouldn't even need to be a small person I guess, just have a giant panda (I recommend growing your pandas near nuclear power plants to achieve maximum giantness in a short period of time).

The most awesome thing about Panda riding is that you can totally beat a horse if you're riding a Panda, mostly because giant mutant Pandas eat horses.  No, seriously, when a Panda enters a horse race it's a total murder scene.  One Panda even got sued by the Glue Factories of America for killing so many horses, because it was effecting their ability to make glue.

I know what you're thinking, "Norman, this is silly, Pandas are peaceful creatures that just want to sit around and eat bamboo. I mean, really, they're even too lazy to have sex most of the time, what makes you think they would eat a horse?"

Have you ever seen a Panda in a horse race?  No.  Because Pandas are explicitly barred from ALL horse racing tracks.

Our Characters:

How horses feel about life:

How Pandas feel about horses:

What happens when Pandas get too close to horses:

This is the terrible aftermath:

The moral to this story: If you grow Giant, Mutant Riding Pandas, keep them away from horses.  They look all cute and innocent (and in the case of these pictures sort of like obese raccoons with short tails), but THEY ARE NOT.  They are not half as lazy as they've led you to believe, either.  In the wild they are known to become rocket scientists, urban architects and marketing professionals.  They are only so lazy because we let them sit around in zoos all day and eat bamboo.

Note: Platypi have entirely too much dignity to allow anyone to ride them.

Crosspost from other blogglet

So, after some contemplation I decided to move this post over to this blog, because it really is 100001% more appropriate here, and I think this is the spark that gave me the idea for this blog (besides all the people that tell me how much they love reading my Facebook updates, and this is really the same sort of thing but bigger and longer - like my arms, not my penis).

This is obviously the most important piece of literature written in the history of humanity. Fuck you Bible, fuck you Rosetta Stone, and especially you Stephanie Myers.

These are cuter than your children. Even the ones related to me.

"I present to you the awesome you can NEVER be."

"LOOK AT ME, BITCH, LOOK AT ME WHILE I SWIM OVER YOU!"

Rene Descartes

Since I am at war with Mr. Descartes, I figure I should give some rational basis for my wishing him to be annihilated.  I know I don't need to (if George W. Bush could put the U.S. at war with Iraq with no rational basis there is no reason that I, as a superior and more highly evolved being, cannot.  I just want to be better then George W. Bush).

• Cogito Ergo Sum - I think therefore I am

I hate Rene Descartes first and foremost for this, one of his most famous statements.  Think about it this way, I know lots of people who DON'T think things through, and I see people that do stupid ass things all the time, and I am pretty damn sure they exist.  People like rodeo cowboys/clowns, hipsters, M. Night Shaymalan, Republicans, and women with mustaches.

It's possible that they don't exist, but I think that would ultimately create more philosophical problems then it would solve.

So mostly, FUCK YOU Descartes for attempting to prove to me that some people don't exist.

• Analytic Geometry - The Cartesian Coordinate System

For a platypus I am a well educated individual.  If one can assume a B.S. in Anthropology is actually well educated, and I think there is some reason both for doubt and not doubting that is the case.  But this is one thing I can never forgive Rene Descartes for.  His coordinate system makes about as much sense as chimpanzee feces splatter on a picture of Lady Diana.

• Cartesian Doubt

This is the idea that we should through everything under the light of skepticism, even if it is absolutely absurd to do so.  In other words, Rene Descartes was bored one day contemplating his bellybutton lint (his abnormally shaped bellybutton gathered lots of lint) and he decided that he was going to have a thought experiment.

 I am usually a big fan of thought experiments they work well in cooking, theoretical physics, and writing.

Thought experiment:  If Rene Descartes was being dangled over a pit of firey burning lava and you had the choice to save him and in doing so you would save half the worlds population from starving to death for a day OR if you don't save him you will bring world peace and an end to world hunger.  What would you do?

I think I had a better point at some point.

Why I suck at relationships

Okay, this doesn't have anything to do with THAT sort of Oral History, perverts.

I suck at relationships because I have the pillow talk skills of a retarded, blind anglerfish on crack.

Me: I want something.

Him: What do I get for it?

Me: What do you want?

Him: Ohh, I think you'll have to do something for me.

Me: I can make you a paper mache ant eater!

Him: Not what I was looking for...

Me: A picture of an aardvark done in macaroni?

Him: ......

For some reason he STILL likes me after that.

I think it's actually because the dogs like me.

P.S. I don't think this is actually how the conversation went, but I think it's close enough.

Why Abortions are Hilarious!

Look, I know there's a lot of you out there to whom abortions are SERIOUS BUSINESS but I do not share your concern.  Abortions are hilarious.  I will illustrate this with the pictures below so you understand how I envision abortions.

I'm still not 100% sure that this is how it is done.  I see this as being slightly more complicated, but it does make sense, consider the following:

1) All abortions are done with wire hangers.

2) All doctors like to go fishing.

3) There is no reason abortions can't be like fishing.

4) The woman is first anesthesized and then sat in an upside chair.  Well, she probably gets in the chair first.

5) The complicated part of this is catching the fetus (a.k.a. what the doctor is fishing for) before the woman's head explodes from all the blood rushing to it.

This does have a few different perks to it that I think we can all understand:

1) Doctors have more fun.

2) Doctors can do multiple abortions at the same time.

3) If abortions are as easy as fetus-fishing there is no reason why everyone can't have one (okay, I guess some of you don't want people to have abortions, but if they didn't have abortions then this wouldn't be as funny).

New abortion clinic slogan: Abortions - Now that it's like fishing it's better then sex!

Hello hello!

My name is Norman the Platypus.  I am, if you have not already figured it out, a platypus.  I am at war.  I have yet to decide what I am at war with.  Typically we platypi are quite level headed creatures and don't do the whole war thing, but considering the current political climate and how incredibly popular war seems to be (I mean, look at how many people are at war...) I figured I would try it out.

So, in order to figure out what I am going to go to war with I figure I will list things that I LIKE:

A man named Greg
Myself
Bow Ties
Sweater vests
Smoking Jackets
Argyle (socks, sweaters, whatever)
DOS Games
Tyrannosaurus Rex (sometimes T-Rex Jesus - the superior savior since his arms are too short to crucify him)
Evolution
The word/sound/thingy "Blarg"
Music

Well, that's the short list, I mean I didn't add bananas (which I sort of like) or Tze-Tze flys (which I think are funny, but I doubt anyone else really does).

So, here are some things I don't really like, but I don't think I could go to war with them:

Belly button lint
the need to pay for coffee when it is as important to life as water
Stephanie Myers
Capitalist pig-dogs (only because they won't give me enough money to become one)
cats
doing laundry

Again, that's sort of a short list.  There's hundreds of things I encounter every day that I don't like, such as my next-door neighbor, the smell of hobos on the train, or the fact that they don't make shirts in my size in any fashionable store since I have long Orangutan arms and a giant neck.

So, after listing off all those things, I think I have finally come up with the object of my ire: Rene Descartes.

I mean, for fucks sake, how can anyone read that drivel and not end up 1) in a mental hospital or 2) spending the rest of their lives hoping that they will spontaneously combust so they don't have to ever think about 3rd Order Volitions again.

To end: My name is Norman the Platypus.  I am a Platypus at war with Rene Descartes.

P.S. The idea for the name was come up with with much help from Carrie Nazzise.  She was looking at her bookshelf and saw the book "Japan at War: An Oral History."  Thanks Carrie.  I'm sure everyone wants to think about my *ahem* Oral History. ;-)