My name is Norman the Platypus. I am, if you have not already figured it out, a platypus. I am at war. I have yet to decide what I am at war with. Typically we platypi are quite level headed creatures and don't do the whole war thing, but considering the current political climate and how incredibly popular war seems to be (I mean, look at how many people are at war...) I figured I would try it out.
So, in order to figure out what I am going to go to war with I figure I will list things that I LIKE:
A man named Greg
Myself
Bow Ties
Sweater vests
Smoking Jackets
Argyle (socks, sweaters, whatever)
DOS Games
Tyrannosaurus Rex (sometimes T-Rex Jesus - the superior savior since his arms are too short to crucify him)
Evolution
The word/sound/thingy "Blarg"
Music
Well, that's the short list, I mean I didn't add bananas (which I sort of like) or Tze-Tze flys (which I think are funny, but I doubt anyone else really does).
So, here are some things I don't really like, but I don't think I could go to war with them:
Belly button lint
the need to pay for coffee when it is as important to life as water
Stephanie Myers
Capitalist pig-dogs (only because they won't give me enough money to become one)
cats
doing laundry
Again, that's sort of a short list. There's hundreds of things I encounter every day that I don't like, such as my next-door neighbor, the smell of hobos on the train, or the fact that they don't make shirts in my size in any fashionable store since I have long Orangutan arms and a giant neck.
So, after listing off all those things, I think I have finally come up with the object of my ire: Rene Descartes.
I mean, for fucks sake, how can anyone read that drivel and not end up 1) in a mental hospital or 2) spending the rest of their lives hoping that they will spontaneously combust so they don't have to ever think about 3rd Order Volitions again.
To end: My name is Norman the Platypus. I am a Platypus at war with Rene Descartes.
P.S. The idea for the name was come up with with much help from Carrie Nazzise. She was looking at her bookshelf and saw the book "Japan at War: An Oral History." Thanks Carrie. I'm sure everyone wants to think about my *ahem* Oral History. ;-)
