What to buy a Jew for Xmas

Despite the fact that Jews don't celebrate Xmas (though many of them, at least from my mother's sort of Jew do have Chaunaka bushes in lieu of Xmas trees), today I discovered the perfect gift to give ANY Jew, at basically any time:

A copy of the Diary of Anne Frank.

This is more then just irony, this is pure genius.  I mean, it's a chance to look at your Jewy friends and go, "Hey, I know I'm not a Nazi, but I'm sorry about that whole thing where that genocide happened, so Merry Xmas, even though you don't celebrate Xmas, also I speak in incredibly long sentences because I'm talking really fast because I'm nervous that if you're offended by this gift I will never be able to get a loan again."

I'm thinking I'm going to approach a large retailer with this idea.  Maybe we can put together a package deal of The Diary of Anne Frank, a gold felt Star of David to stick on your coat, and like a free ham.

A joke

Today as I was driving Captain Strange to pick up his car from the mechanical place we saw a man with a terrible looking mustache.  Captain Strange said it was a porno mustache, and I disagreed and said it was a pedo mustache.  Captain Stange then came up with this joke:

What's the difference between a porno mustache and a pedo mustache?



...you don't get pubic hair in a pedo mustache.

Voltaire's Vagina (and other, less disturbing, but still sage, thoughts)

So, while I was at work selling books today someone was looking for a copy of Candide by Voltaire.  The word Candide is terribly close to the fungus Candida which is responsible for Thrush and some vaginal yeast infections.

So, after my mind had processed all of this absurd information, I was presented with a mental image of Voltaire's vagina (I am sure this was helped along by the fact that I could see the basket of porno mags under the counter with Playboy sitting on top).  Now, as you probably know, Voltaire was a man.  So, perhaps he had a mangina instead of a vagina, though I have never been given a satisfactory explanation of what a mangina is, nor has it ever been confirmed for me that maginas are prone to yeast infections.

So, while we are on the subject (we're not) lets talk about Ghengis Khan.  He is pretty much the most awesome man ever, unless you're Chinese.  I think the Chinese are still pissed that he raped their army without trying and took over their country.  Actually, I think that was one of his sons, but they're all Khans, so it was one of the Khans.

Ghengis Khan had an amazing amount of sex (hopefully not with manginas whether infected by yeast or not), and there are quite a few people that are his direct descendants.  He was the ultimate in polygamy, only it was less polygamy then it was rape, which is sort of sad.  Hopefully someone gave him herpes...or maybe not, because then lots more people would have gotten herpes, which would only be okay if it was Rene Descartes.  I mean, I can't even be mad at the Pope anymore since he change his stance on condoms.

The reason we're talking about Ghengis Khan today is mostly because he's pretty awesome, and also because is an excellent role model for any would-be world conquerers.  Seriously, he and his sons conquered most of Eurasia.  I'm look at you, corpse of the USSR, and you Kim-Jong Il.  Yep, he was an uncultured horse fucker with a raging boner for anything with a vagina, but he managed to do more then you have ever done.

So, the morals of today's lesson are:

1) never touch a mangina if it is yeasty (unless it has a pleasant freshly-baked-bread smell)

2) even great philosophers have body image problems

3) Ghengis Khan was a pro-lifer (and a pro-boner)

4) everyone who has attempted to conquer the world since the Golden Horde swept across Eurasia has been doing it wrong

5) herpes is bad.

How to make Xmas better

First off, I'm calling it Xmas this year after a friend told me about his experience at work after he had listed something in the computer system as "Xmas Decor" because he only had 10 characters.

The jackass who discoverd this was all, "Woah dude, you can't take the Christ out of Christmas."  Ginger-Friend was all, "Dude, I don't have room for Christmas, gtfo my atheism."

I'm sure it when something like that, anyway.

So, back to how I, as the premier expert on improving basically anything, would make Xmas better.

First off, I think we need to make Xmas songs more honest about their subject matter.  The ones that talk about Mary giving birth are always all, "Lol, baby fell outta my vagina, and it didn't hurt!"  Did any of these composers ever see a woman give birth?  I mean, I don't have a vagina, but having it ripped open, even by Jesus, has to hurt like hell.

Another song that really needs to be revised is, "What Child is This?"  Especially since everyone knows, supposedly.  I'm rewriting the song to "Whos Bastard is This?"  God was all like, "Hey, Imma knock that bitch up with my celestial penis and then make her take care of my kid!"  And people wonder why this happens in High Schools so often.  Look at their role model!  God is a dick, AND a bad parent.

Next up, I think we need to reinstate virgin sacrifices just like the Aztecs used to do on the Winter Solstice.  The real trick to this one will be finding virgins.  I'm pretty sure they exist, in the same way I'm pretty sure that unicorns that fart rainbows and write song for P-Diddy exist.

We also need to admit that the vast majority of Xmas symbols are actually Pagan symbols that have nothing to do with Jesus.  The tree?  Totally Norse.  The Yule Log?  Another Norsism.  The Easter Bunny?  Norse (also, he and Santa are the same person...a pedophile with a penchant for camoflauge).  So, basically, you're all Pagans, AND YOU LIKE IT.

And last, but most importantly, Abortion Clinics need to start offering gift cards for the Holidays.  I can picture them...it's like a card tied to a wire hanger.  It's just beautiful.

And that, children, is how to make Xmas better.  Just imagine, I haven't even TOUCHED Chaunukka or Kwanza yet.  And by touched I mean talked about, not touched in that icky EasterBunny/SantaClause camo-pedophile way.  Eww.

Why I want to be a Chinese Waitress

So, I love Chinese Food.  It may well be the most perfect thing in the world after Captain Strange, Coffee, Red Wine, and drunken late night runs to Denny's that you only sort of remember the next day...mostly because your hand still smells like the waitress's cleavage.

But, my love of Chinese Food has nothing to do with my I want to be a Chinese Waitress.

Mostly, I want to be a Chinese Waitress because they can get away with almost anything and people find it CHARMING.  Okay, most people.  Captain Strange was all sad-mad panda because he got whatever dish the kitchen decided to make him at my favorite greasy Chinese place.  I think it's awesome when they do that.  I just order the same thing every time and I get whatever they feel like giving me.  I love not having to decide.

 Being a Chinese Waitress is sort of like being a weatherman, really.  You rarely have to get things right.  Only, maybe it's better because you can just basically throw food on the table and walk away and people think it's fun and you don't have to dress like a douche.

I think for some people having a bitchy Chinese Waitress is sort of a cultural interaction.  They get to go, "OMG! We had Chinese food and a foreigner was rude to us.  I feel so cultured."  Or whatever it is that people who masturbate to pictures of Glenn Beck and/or Sarah Palin say.

Talking about going on a journey with cancer?

Whenever I hear people talk about cancer I am inevitably confused.  They want to talk about their "Journey" with cancer. 

I guess what people are really talking about is how having cancer has affected them for the last 1-15 billion years.  But, this is what I see when someone talks about their Journey with Cancer:

All trips are inevitably road trips (unless someone is a pioneer with cancer in which case it's a horse drawn cart trip with cancer).

Just remember, if you're going on a trip with cancer they're usually really messy car guests.

4 things that would be hilarious if the Dalai Lama did them

So, I love irony.  Which is slightly concerning since hipsters also love irony, and if I love something that hipsters love, and I moving down the slippery slope of becoming one of them?  This is a terrifying thought.  But then, I am not sure if a platypus is capable of becoming a hipster, which does make me feel marginally better.  Perhaps I need to have a poll about this.

But, anyway, the Dalai Lama is pretty much considered the most laid back bellybutton contemplater in the world.  He's also all into that whole "peace and love to everyone, dawgs."  And, he's pretty much the only person I believe when he says that.  But, part of that may be because I am attracted to his robe, and I want to turn it into the most epic drapes possible (sort of a backwards Gone With the Wind thing).

So, I was thinking that there have to be some things that would make the Dalai Lama more epic and somehow give him more street cred.  He's not Che Guevera after all, so he could definitely use more T-shirts with his face on them.  Fuck, that was a hipster sort of thing to say, wasn't it?

So, without further ado here are the top five things that the Dalai Lama could do to become a more epic mofo:

1 - Have a reality T.V. show featuring Sarah Palin.

I really want to see how long it would take Mr. Lama to strangle that bitch.  Of course, it's possible he'd ENJOY going wolf hunting in a helicopter.

2 - Leak a sex tape.

I'm not 100% sure who he'd be having sex with.  Maybe Lady Gaga, or the Queen.  Either way it would be more difficult to watch then Two Girls One Cup.

3 - Go to Rehab.

I could totally see His Holiness fucked up on heroin or something else that just mellows you out.  I'm pretty sure Amy Winehouse would sing to him, too.  Which would be really awesome.

4 - Release a rap album entitled  "Imma slap China like I slap a bitch."

Snoop Dog would be all over this like R-Kelly's pee on that hooker.  I would be happy to help him write the album too.  The Dalai Lama could become the most famous Tibetan Rapper in the world.

I just remembered that I can never tell the difference between "raper" and "rapper" but they're not so different that I'm concerned about it.

Fridge Gnomes

A few months ago Captain Strange was on a business trip and I agreed to hang around his house and watch the doggy girls for the three days he was out of town, which, considering how much time I spend there anyway wasn't much of a routine change, except I had to regularly feed the girls and let them know the Apocalypse wasn't coming in the next 72 hours (though, I wasn't sure about that myself). 

The day before he left Captain Strange decided to buy a couple of pizzas for dinner.  This is when I discovered (through inference - in the same way people discovered atoms) that there are gnomes that live in the fridge.  Fridge Gnomes (as opposed to Garden Gnomes who hate puppies and want rainbows to die) are master culinarians and have magical powers to transform food.

There is an obvious hierarchy of foods that Fridge Gnomes like to work with.  Pizza and Chinese food (the worse it is for you the more they like to magic it up) are on top of the pyramid, while pasta, fresh salads, and cooked spinach are on the squishy, rotten bottom.

This is how I imagine Pizza is transformed by the Fridge Gnome's magic:

The Gnome assesses the Pizza and must decide that it is a high enough quality pie to qualify for his magic.

The Gnome then blasts the pizza with his blue power ray of awesome.

At this point awesome left overs are created after the Gnome has used his holy powers to cleanse the pizza of all evil.

Norman the Platypus is NOT DEAD!

And, I will soon be returning from my hiatus to make you LOL and ROFL all over yourself (after which you may need a towel, or a shower, depending on the amount of LOL and ROFL you dispense).

How not to be trapped in a mine

With all the recent stuff about the Chilean Miners getting trapped in a mine, I figured I ought to give people advice on how not to be trapped in mines.  It seems like these should all be pretty obvious, but I guess most people just don't get it.

First off, just don't go in the mine.  I don't care if it's how you feed your family.  It will teach your children self respect or something. Also, if you're feeding them things that you find in mines you're probably destroying their teeth.  Rocks = not good for teeth.

Next up is probably the coolest mining accessory, the Giant Mutant Badger.  Just like with Giant Mutant Pandas it is best to grow these near a nuclear powerplant for optimum awesome.  These things will dig you the fuck out of that mine.  You know how Jesus supposedly rode a donkey into Jerusalem?  It was actually a Giant Mutant Badger.  That's how he got out of the tomb after the whole resurrection thing, his badger moved the fucking stone.

And lastly, the easiest way to not get trapped in a mine is to summon Captain Planet.

I hope the Chilean government reads this and learns from it.  Please pass this along to any officials you know in Chile.

Vulcan Foreplay

After watching the newest Star Trek movie last week (or was it the week before that?  Maybe Cap Strange remembers?) there seemed to be somethng mssng (also, the letter between h and j on my keyboard just went out, so bare wth me) along the lnes of a dscusson of how lttle Vulcans were made.

Why Dinosaurs should be allowed to run for President

Living in Utah sometimes means seeing strange things.  Polygamists, homeless people singing songs about the Mormon Temple on public transportation, families with 9 children who all have gigantic teeth, and prostitutes walking around downtown Salt Lake City that look like someone hit them in the face with a baseball bat and then tried to fix it with a rake.

Lately, though, I've been seeing signs for a Proposition in Utah that has something to do with funding a dinosaur museum.  Being the avid follower of awesome that I am, I immediately thought that it was actually a proposition that would either 1) legalize gay marriage for dinosaurs or 2) allow dinosaurs to run for president (despite what you may think neither John McCain nor Ronald Regan were dinosaurs, they were both mammals).

This got me thinking about WHY dinosaurs would be awesome in public office, specifically why they would be awesome as the President of the United States of America.

There is, obviously, only one dinosaur that is awesome enough to run for public office, and that is the T-Rex.  The Triceratops is like the Eeyore of the dinosaurs (sort of like John Kerry). A brontosaurus wouldn't fit in the Oval Office.  And pretty much every other dinosaur just isn't as fierce.

Now, onto the reasons we need to work on getting a dinosaur elected as president:

1) Peace talks would be more likely to end agreeably because T-Rex President would threaten to eat other politicians who don't toe the line.

2) If dinosaurs can run for public office there is no reason they can't serve in the army, making the army really awesome.

3) Congress would be scared to pass legislation that T-Rex President didn't like.

4) Dinosaurs are okay with abortions because they could eat them (coming up soon is "Why Abortions are Delicious").

5) Dinosaurs are much harder to assassinate then human presidents.

Happy National Coming Out Day!!!

Things not to use as condoms

The Pope is an asshole.  And, as has been mentioned many times in the past looks a lot like Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars, which as a Star Wars fan I am morally required to hate.  I'm pretty sure he's gay too, which is why he protects all those icky boy-touchers that are part of his church.

The Pope also doesn't believe in condoms.  The Pope wants people in Africa to get AIDS.  I am convinced of this since he keeps telling people that GLOVE BEFORE LOVE is wrong.  Fuck you Pope, fuck you with an AIDS/herpes infected cock.

Since I am more important then the Pope and I'm attempting to make a worldwide following that would make the Catholic Church look tiny, I would like to talk to you about things that are good to use as condoms* and we will talk about things that should never be used as condoms because that's just as important to remember.

Good things to use:

The Pope's Hat

a swim cap

Bad things to use:

A Paper Bag

A Glass Jar

 A Sheep

A Pencil Sharpener

A Cheese Grater

Crown of Thorns

Next time you go to have sex, please keep these important things in mind!

*Because they are funny, not people they will protect you from AIDS. PLEASE always use good condoms that are all approved and whatnot to protect you from AIDS and other STDs.  The only person who should probably have AIDS is The Pope since he contributes to lots of people's AIDS.

Why Automatic Flushing Toilets = The End of Civilization

There is nothing more insulting to human intelligence then FOX News, except perhaps the automatic flushing toilet.  It is one of the basic requirements of humanity (or at least it used to be) that we have to deal with our own shit. Seriously, it stinks.

When we were hunter-gatherers and you had to walk away and bury your shit in a hole you dug with your hands you sort of had to confront the basics of life (you also had to shoot dear with arrows to eat and fight hyenas so they wouldn't eat your newborn, which I think would keep Americans from becoming so fat if we reinstated these basic rules).  And seriously, if your shit stank people fucking TOLD YOU about it.  If it was really bad and they never wanted to smell it again they would probably stab you through the chest with a rock and go to a different camp.

But, I don't think most of us really connect with Hunter Gatherers that much (I do, but that's because Anthropologists are required to pledge allegience to the hunter gatherers of the universe in a super secret ceremony in order to get their degrees), so lets take a more modern example of someone who was capable of doing great things because she had to flush her own shit down the toilet.

Let's go back in time a few years to the time before there were flushing toilets and visit Mother Teresa as she finishes up her *ahem* morning business.

You see, the ability to flush the toilet instills man with a sense of purpose and a certain level of confidence that is otherwise lacking.  If chimps could be taught to flush the toilet then I believe in a few short years they too would be working out the atomic structure of mayo.

Let me show you what I mean about how automatic flushing toilets make people stupider:

To conclude - I believe that it is vitally important that the U.N. ban automatic flushing toilets from the world.  Without manual flushing toilets incompetent people may begin to think they are capable of running for political office, producing movies, and singing on stage.  This could bring about the end of civilization.  It has already begun!  Save the world!

This is the natural order:

Wouldn't the world be better my way?

Four Worst Types of Cuddlers

It has been noted on multiple occasions that I am an expert cuddler.  I did nothing to learn this skill, it comes partially from my silky fur and mostly from my amazing amounts of charm (and ability to hypnotize people to thinking I know what I am doing at almost any time).

That said, I have been inappropriately cuddled on multiple occasion.  I have identified the Four WORST cuddling problems that have effected me through my cuddling career.  These are severe problems that sound not go unchecked either through the application of severe electroshock therapy, full body antiperspirant, the blood of virgin wallabies, or sacrificing things to Cthulu.

Example of correct cuddling, notice that both parties are COMPLETELY CONTENT:

The next up is the OCTOPUS PLUS (A.K.A COCKTOPUS), someone who seemingly has 80 limbs with which to smother their cuddling partner with. It is usually impossible to breathe, move, or otherwise perform any function other than plotting revenge through severe electroshock therapy or spiking the OCTOPUS PLUS's drink with a roofie so that they fall asleep on the floor instead of in your bed.:

After the OCTOPUS PLUS comes the Porcupine, a man who decided to shave his entire body approximately three days before the onset of the current cuddling session.  DO NOT EVER let the porcupine be the Little Spoon.  If you are a man you will get rug burn on your scrotum, seriously, if you are a women your soft and supple breasts will slowly be ground away into mounds of not pretty flesh.  The best way to cure the porcupine is to NOT let your man shave his entire body.  It is recommended that one develops an appreciation of the male body in its most natural form.

The Sweater is a problem because it is like attempting to cuddle with a Slip n' Slide that mated with a Dolphin (they are very slippery) whose child takes lots of ecstasy. I recommend lots of towels and full body antiperspirant.

The most pentially damaging type of cuddler is the Tourette's Syndrome Sufferer.  I have nothing against people with Tourette's syndrome, and I fully understand that those afflicted are unable to control their outbursts, but if you happen to be a cuddle partner with someone with Tourette's Syndrome who happens to throw his head back I recommend a helmet along the lines of NFL regulation.

Cuddling is one of the most important parts of keeping your relationship functional, couples who are unable to cuddle have been known to become highly deranged attempting to abuse drugs like Vitamin C and Facebook*.


*Facebook and other social networking sites have been shown to release oxytocin, one of the chemicals that is released in the brain when in skin contact with other people.

Chimps and Lady Diana

Some Chimps just want to be human:

Note: Okay, I actually think Lady Diana was a cool chick, but CHIMPS DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER.

Follow, follow me!

Make sure that if you like me, you follow me and share me with all of your friends!  Every follower I have multiplies my awesome EVEN MORE.

How T-Rex Jesus Failed

It's very clear that T-Rex Jesus is the Superior Savior.  His arms are too short for you to crucify him (unlike human Jesus) he doesn't cast people out of the temple, he fucking eats them like Doritos (also unlike human Jesus).

But, T-Rex Jesus failed at one thing, warning all the other dinosaurs that there was a meteor on the way.  If T-Rex Jesus had actually been the son of God (in this case it wasn't Yahweh, it was a big squiggly fish monster in space that actively discouraged it's followers to touch underage dinosaurs), he might have been able to save the other dinosaurs.  Instead T-Rex Jesus actually had a form of schizophrenia that caused him to imagine that he was someone millions of years in the future who was actually imagining that he was T-Rex Jesus.

Yes, the dinosaurs had NASA.

He thought about wearing a fez instead, but they hadn't been invented yet.

Jesus stands up to the cross...

LOL! Mass Extinction!

Note: I have to thank my brother, the illustrious George Yancey (also: Captain Awesome if you talk to the right people, not to be confused with Captain Strange who is the man who puts up with my relationship fail skills) for originally coming up with T-Rex Jesus.  He told me about it ages ago.

Important Facts About Norman the Platypus

First off, I have bigger balls then you.  Even if you have big balls.  My balls amount to about half the mass of the Earth.  I once broke someone's entire house when I took my pants off.  I have to hide my balls in a dimensional portal to keep from scaring you puny non-platypus types.  I once had a request from a death row inmate who want to die by being crushed by my testicles*, and I only had to use one of them to flatten him into a large pile of goo.

Second, in addition to being 100% platypus I am also 50% gorilla.  This makes me 150% of a person, but I'm still 1000% more awesome then the most awesome person you know or can think of below is a mathematical equation showing my awesomeness in comparison to lots of things:

Rene Descartes < Your Mom < Ghandi < Nicola Tesla < Cthulu < Me

Part of my awesome comes from my abnormally large testicles, but it also comes from my thoughts about pandas, T-Rex Jesus, Cthulu, and MaryAnne from Gilligan's Island.

Third, I have venom in my heel spurs.  Seriously, I could fuck up your dog (even though I like dogs and would never fuck one up, more likely I would fuck up your mountain lion if you had one.  Seriously, though, if you let me come over and pet your, presumably, tame mountain lion I promise not to fuck it up unless it tries to bite me).

Fourth, my grammar and punctuation are so terrible that aardvarks could shit on my laptop and achieve a higher level of accuracy then I am capable of.  Luckily (unfortunately?) there are no aardvarks in the area to shit on my laptop and fix my mistakes.

Fifth, I am so much more narcissistic than you are.

To conclude, who has a tame mountain lion?

*I have retired from working on death row, which is why this is no longer an option.  Sorry, but I have better things to do with my testicles.

Cthulu is better then your Mom

I know you love your Mom (hopefully not in an Oedipus Rex sort of way, unless you do, in which case you're a sick fuck and your Mom should've had a wire-hanger-fishing-abortion), but, seriously, Cthulu is better then your Mom.  Look at him, he is a bad ass motherfucker:

I know, I know, you might even have children, but Cthulu is still cooler then you.  It's like comparing Nicola Tesla (an infinite fount of cool) to Rene Descartes (the infinite fount of uncool).  There is no comparison.  Even if you have the greatest Mom in the world Cthulu could eat her, and you, and your entire extended family, and your pet dog, lizard, and tarantula.  Hopefully the tarantula first since spiders are icky.

1) Your Mom doesn't have tentacles, or evil powers (okay, maybe she does), or webbed hands

2) Cthulu doesn't hate your significant other just because they married you.  Cthulu hates you and your significant other equally and will kill you for being puny and mortal regardless.

3) Cthulu won't get mad at you for the things you post on Facebook

4) Cthulu will never guilt trip you for your 10 (or 15, 20, 80 bajillion) hour birth.  Since he didn't give birth to you and all.  That and Cthulu doesn't believe in guilt.  He believes in consuming the world with his elder god powers.

5) Cthulu probably didn't make you gay.

Every time you think "You know, I love my Mom and appreciate everything she's ever done for me." Maybe you should remember that she is not as cool as Dread Cthulu and you ought to pay proper homage by sacrificing* animals/your mom/your virginity to His Tentacled Godliness.

*Sacrificing anything mentioned here may be illegal, check with your local police department for more information on what live sacrifices are allowed in your area.  Never attempt a sacrifice without Elder God supervision.

My Internet Connection

My my internet connection is like a drunk armless hooker attempting to pole dance.  Seriously, it goes down at least once a day for absolutely no reason, and has done so for ages.  Sometimes I go into total withdraw when this happens and I pee myself in fear that I don't have the internet and thus don't know what is going on in the world.

I think they have support groups for this, but I don't know if I need a support group.  I mean, crying in the corner of my room wearing a tiara and telling myself "You're a pretty princess and everything will be okay" is totally normal.  I mean, at least it is for me having this shitty internet connection.

Now, I have nothing against drunk armless hookers pole dancing.  I think it's pretty damn funny.  Actually, I find the idea of armless hookers pretty funny all on its own.  I find it so funny I think there should be more of them (I'm not sure there are actually any of them, though).

This is probably coming off as misogynist.  It's not intended that way, I would also be perfectly happy watching drunk, armless MAN hookers pole dancing.  Or pretty much any combination of man/woman/other that you can think of.  It has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with funny (I hope) and being wildly and totally inappropriate.

You see the reason I am Norman the Platypus (instead of actually being human) is because as a Platypus I can say pretty much anything I want.  Give a man a mask and he'll tell you the truth, give a man a Platypus and he'll squeal like a little girl in absolute happiness every morning for the rest of his life.

Being a Platypus has other perks as well, I can always excuse my bad grammar, spelling, and punctuation on the fact that I have fucking FLIPPERS instead of hands.  I think it's pretty damn impressive that I can type with flippers + beak.

So, mostly I would like to think if Oscar Wilde were alive he would totally be my homeboy, and I would probably dress like a Victorian Gentleman but with bow ties instead of whatever else they wore around their necks.

Happy Autumnal Solstice everyone!

Since it actually makes 1,000 times more sense to celebrate Solar events rather then strangely random holidays based on ancient cultural quirks, today I am celebrating the Autumnal Solstice.  Mostly I'm going to celebrate it by doing everything I normally do.  Have a picture.

Wait, I just realized the Equator in this picture is way too high...I blame global warming.

Blaaaaaaarg!

Please note: I am occaionally retarded.

I had the site listed as platpusatwar.blogspot.com when in fact I meant it to say platYpusatwar.blogspot.com

*sigh*

Panda in Horse Race

Pandas are without a doubt the second coolest animal in the world.  Platypi are (obviously) the coolest animal in the world.  One of the reasons that Pandas are so awesome is that if you're a small enough person you could RIDE A PANDA.  You wouldn't even need to be a small person I guess, just have a giant panda (I recommend growing your pandas near nuclear power plants to achieve maximum giantness in a short period of time).

The most awesome thing about Panda riding is that you can totally beat a horse if you're riding a Panda, mostly because giant mutant Pandas eat horses.  No, seriously, when a Panda enters a horse race it's a total murder scene.  One Panda even got sued by the Glue Factories of America for killing so many horses, because it was effecting their ability to make glue.

I know what you're thinking, "Norman, this is silly, Pandas are peaceful creatures that just want to sit around and eat bamboo. I mean, really, they're even too lazy to have sex most of the time, what makes you think they would eat a horse?"

Have you ever seen a Panda in a horse race?  No.  Because Pandas are explicitly barred from ALL horse racing tracks.

Our Characters:

How horses feel about life:

How Pandas feel about horses:

What happens when Pandas get too close to horses:

This is the terrible aftermath:

The moral to this story: If you grow Giant, Mutant Riding Pandas, keep them away from horses.  They look all cute and innocent (and in the case of these pictures sort of like obese raccoons with short tails), but THEY ARE NOT.  They are not half as lazy as they've led you to believe, either.  In the wild they are known to become rocket scientists, urban architects and marketing professionals.  They are only so lazy because we let them sit around in zoos all day and eat bamboo.

Note: Platypi have entirely too much dignity to allow anyone to ride them.

Crosspost from other blogglet

So, after some contemplation I decided to move this post over to this blog, because it really is 100001% more appropriate here, and I think this is the spark that gave me the idea for this blog (besides all the people that tell me how much they love reading my Facebook updates, and this is really the same sort of thing but bigger and longer - like my arms, not my penis).

This is obviously the most important piece of literature written in the history of humanity. Fuck you Bible, fuck you Rosetta Stone, and especially you Stephanie Myers.

These are cuter than your children. Even the ones related to me.

"I present to you the awesome you can NEVER be."

"LOOK AT ME, BITCH, LOOK AT ME WHILE I SWIM OVER YOU!"

Rene Descartes

Since I am at war with Mr. Descartes, I figure I should give some rational basis for my wishing him to be annihilated.  I know I don't need to (if George W. Bush could put the U.S. at war with Iraq with no rational basis there is no reason that I, as a superior and more highly evolved being, cannot.  I just want to be better then George W. Bush).

• Cogito Ergo Sum - I think therefore I am

I hate Rene Descartes first and foremost for this, one of his most famous statements.  Think about it this way, I know lots of people who DON'T think things through, and I see people that do stupid ass things all the time, and I am pretty damn sure they exist.  People like rodeo cowboys/clowns, hipsters, M. Night Shaymalan, Republicans, and women with mustaches.

It's possible that they don't exist, but I think that would ultimately create more philosophical problems then it would solve.

So mostly, FUCK YOU Descartes for attempting to prove to me that some people don't exist.

• Analytic Geometry - The Cartesian Coordinate System

For a platypus I am a well educated individual.  If one can assume a B.S. in Anthropology is actually well educated, and I think there is some reason both for doubt and not doubting that is the case.  But this is one thing I can never forgive Rene Descartes for.  His coordinate system makes about as much sense as chimpanzee feces splatter on a picture of Lady Diana.

• Cartesian Doubt

This is the idea that we should through everything under the light of skepticism, even if it is absolutely absurd to do so.  In other words, Rene Descartes was bored one day contemplating his bellybutton lint (his abnormally shaped bellybutton gathered lots of lint) and he decided that he was going to have a thought experiment.

 I am usually a big fan of thought experiments they work well in cooking, theoretical physics, and writing.

Thought experiment:  If Rene Descartes was being dangled over a pit of firey burning lava and you had the choice to save him and in doing so you would save half the worlds population from starving to death for a day OR if you don't save him you will bring world peace and an end to world hunger.  What would you do?

I think I had a better point at some point.

Why I suck at relationships

Okay, this doesn't have anything to do with THAT sort of Oral History, perverts.

I suck at relationships because I have the pillow talk skills of a retarded, blind anglerfish on crack.

Me: I want something.

Him: What do I get for it?

Me: What do you want?

Him: Ohh, I think you'll have to do something for me.

Me: I can make you a paper mache ant eater!

Him: Not what I was looking for...

Me: A picture of an aardvark done in macaroni?

Him: ......

For some reason he STILL likes me after that.

I think it's actually because the dogs like me.

P.S. I don't think this is actually how the conversation went, but I think it's close enough.

Why Abortions are Hilarious!

Look, I know there's a lot of you out there to whom abortions are SERIOUS BUSINESS but I do not share your concern.  Abortions are hilarious.  I will illustrate this with the pictures below so you understand how I envision abortions.

I'm still not 100% sure that this is how it is done.  I see this as being slightly more complicated, but it does make sense, consider the following:

1) All abortions are done with wire hangers.

2) All doctors like to go fishing.

3) There is no reason abortions can't be like fishing.

4) The woman is first anesthesized and then sat in an upside chair.  Well, she probably gets in the chair first.

5) The complicated part of this is catching the fetus (a.k.a. what the doctor is fishing for) before the woman's head explodes from all the blood rushing to it.

This does have a few different perks to it that I think we can all understand:

1) Doctors have more fun.

2) Doctors can do multiple abortions at the same time.

3) If abortions are as easy as fetus-fishing there is no reason why everyone can't have one (okay, I guess some of you don't want people to have abortions, but if they didn't have abortions then this wouldn't be as funny).

New abortion clinic slogan: Abortions - Now that it's like fishing it's better then sex!

Hello hello!

My name is Norman the Platypus.  I am, if you have not already figured it out, a platypus.  I am at war.  I have yet to decide what I am at war with.  Typically we platypi are quite level headed creatures and don't do the whole war thing, but considering the current political climate and how incredibly popular war seems to be (I mean, look at how many people are at war...) I figured I would try it out.

So, in order to figure out what I am going to go to war with I figure I will list things that I LIKE:

A man named Greg
Myself
Bow Ties
Sweater vests
Smoking Jackets
Argyle (socks, sweaters, whatever)
DOS Games
Tyrannosaurus Rex (sometimes T-Rex Jesus - the superior savior since his arms are too short to crucify him)
Evolution
The word/sound/thingy "Blarg"
Music

Well, that's the short list, I mean I didn't add bananas (which I sort of like) or Tze-Tze flys (which I think are funny, but I doubt anyone else really does).

So, here are some things I don't really like, but I don't think I could go to war with them:

Belly button lint
the need to pay for coffee when it is as important to life as water
Stephanie Myers
Capitalist pig-dogs (only because they won't give me enough money to become one)
cats
doing laundry

Again, that's sort of a short list.  There's hundreds of things I encounter every day that I don't like, such as my next-door neighbor, the smell of hobos on the train, or the fact that they don't make shirts in my size in any fashionable store since I have long Orangutan arms and a giant neck.

So, after listing off all those things, I think I have finally come up with the object of my ire: Rene Descartes.

I mean, for fucks sake, how can anyone read that drivel and not end up 1) in a mental hospital or 2) spending the rest of their lives hoping that they will spontaneously combust so they don't have to ever think about 3rd Order Volitions again.

To end: My name is Norman the Platypus.  I am a Platypus at war with Rene Descartes.

P.S. The idea for the name was come up with with much help from Carrie Nazzise.  She was looking at her bookshelf and saw the book "Japan at War: An Oral History."  Thanks Carrie.  I'm sure everyone wants to think about my *ahem* Oral History. ;-)